I begin crying as soon as the first stanza of the first praise song in yesterday’s worship hit my ears. The words weren’t what triggered my face to scrunch – I don’t remember the lines; yet, it was the strangest thing – I cried through each next song. As if there was construction over my head, each song annexed a cloud of Glory over me. Yes, the Glory became the umbrella for my most satisfying experience as a disciple yet – that I could die in that moment and my life would be complete.
It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that; it was so real to me- that no longer did I have to lie about whether I’d be okay dying at a young age; career aside, wife aside, future family aside – ASIDE ANYTHING – that my soul would’ve felt ALL RECEIVED and WELL RECEIVED if I just died right then and there.
For the first time I didn’t lie about death. It’s not that I didn’t care- but I cared in what really mattered- I am His and He is mine. For the first time I didn’t lie about death. Previously, I would say that death didn’t phase me- but the truth is that even with Jesus, it did phase me. For the first time I didn’t lie about death. This is one reason I always gave when the topic of death topped over me: “My parents still are unsaved and haven’t fully met Jesus”. Even this reason fell off my shoulders as I felt my soul encounter pure, unadulterated peace. ** This is not about the anatomy of selfishness- that I would selfishly leave this earth as the one and perhaps only direct contact of Jesus in their current lives. But to even trust the Lord that He would finish what He started through me was one ingredient to “Death, where is your sting?”. ** I didn’t lie about death.
As a disciple for the past three and half years, Jesus has walked – I sometimes fell behind His pace lacking in energy and obedience, sometimes hurriedly and excitedly came next to Him, and sometimes even decided to prematurely walk in front of Him. For the first time all these years, we stopped together. We rested together.
We continued to walk together today- it means that I carry my rest with me as I walk. When He wants to stop, I stop. I’m so thrilled that this moment didn’t just pass me by- I could imagine my 30 year old self reflecting on death wishing that his 23 year old self would’ve gained the revelation that I received yesterday- “If only I weren’t lying to myself- I don’t really want to die”. But we all will one day, my friends, we will die.