On April 8th I tried delivering this following postcard but it remained unstamped – I didn’t exactly know where to go with it as I usually do:
My heart feels like a tide; as quickly as peace surfaces to the shore does it gravitate towards a different pull. I feel stripped and bare- unable yet unwilling to hide from Him. I miss my family and community. My father’s birthday is next week- I’m thinking about sending him a card. My mother wants me to stay in the east coast longer, but purely out of superstition. I’ve been listening to Lifestream’s podcast; I hear the familiarity of the past five years- PSam’s anointed craziness pieced together with Chris Lee’s laugh, James Min’s outbursts, and Thomas Kong’s involvement just to mention a few. How tragic is my transition to NY if all this time I wrestled with the god I created instead of having wrestled God, the great I AM.
But it’s exactly PSAM’s message that needs to take precedence before the devil creeps in and steals my offering- my heart belongs at His feet not mine. When I break the contents of my alabaster jar, it’s not so that I’ll smell better, but in the midst of it spilling He blesses me with a new fragrance.
On April 9th, I went into the city early to workout so that I could make it back out to Jersey and commute with Eugene to Costco. Thinking of the perfect way to maximize $100 at Costco is a discipline; as I was coasting through the aisles I received a text- Alex was inviting me to the show – feeling good, I even bought a package of 96 Kraft singles discounted at $7. I unpeeled four of them on my way across the bridge.
Fast forward to the first song and my heart sunk quickly; It literally flooded with tears and suffocated in silence because ‘C’mon it was a show – and I’M THE ONLY ONE CRYING. IT WAS THE FIRST SONG!’ But my tears didn’t stop streaming – through each of the next 6 songs they played, I stood there unable to mouth out the lyrics – I was simply crying – for two reasons- the bulk being the latter: that I was so proud of how far they’ve come and second I’ve listened to Run River North’s album over and over again in one of my most trying and reflective seasons- all came spilling out that night- it was my alabaster jar that was leaking prior to its flood; I felt the reassurance that all this wasn’t tragedy – I wasn’t wrestling a god I created, but wrestling God, the great I AM. It was really the rest and fun that I needed to keep my head up; Alex generously edified me with encouraging words and I escaped with them in their tinted black van making stops to Annie’s and Halal Guy’s before being shuttled back to Jersey. It finally felt as if I were home for the first time.
Most recently, I’ve approached major boutiques in Soho looking for a sales associate position. At a minimum, I’ll be finishing out my discipleship class with Grace Community which will stay stamp my stay through mid June. If God’s hands fling doors wide open in NY during that time, I’ll commit and tell my agents that plans have changed. Otherwise, I should make a permanent trip back to LA- the city that gave me a surprisingly good start to my modeling career, but more importantly it’s the place where all is familiar. I have 86 Kraft singles left. *Stamping Postcard and sending now.*