Postcard #6: I Remain at the Dock

The last ship has sailed. I won’t swim after it, but I’m at the dock wondering what would have happened if I boarded. In Viking history, “longships were intended for warfare and exploration, designed for speed and agility”- one that I boarded coming to NY but my spiritual map is wondering if I should’ve taken a different route or perhaps have boarded a later ship. The last ship was marked ‘Q’. To quest or to question, I chose the latter; my hesitation became the captains’ choice to leave me at bay; if I had left my questions in my pocket, the quest was mine- no turning back; I would have signed and sealed the mission of my last two months – to sign with an agency in NY.

I remain at the dock.

‘I’m sittin’ on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away’

My heart was unsettled and peace was an empty wave on Tuesday. ┬áIs it my selfishness? Or did I do justice to listen to my soul? I don’t know and I won’t know. Ships marked ‘Q’ don’t usually travel with ships marked with ‘A’. I may feel fatigued without an answer, but His strength will overcome.

My march has had its madness – my bracket is a bust- I have no more agencies to approach; I competed against the higher seeds but lost- the tournament isn’t the place to practice; I think I’ll have to do that overseas before taking another shot in NY.

Lord, the waters are blue and the coast is clear. I don’t see anymore ships. I don’t necessarily have the courage to say that you’ll provide with more when I don’t know if I let go of an awesome opportunity when its tide rolled in- I let its ship sail and I remain at the dock. I’ve crouched my eyes in a pair of binoculars for two months; perhaps┬áit’s a new season to watch the horizon and gently wait as I dangle my feet with expectation- I feel closer to this truth now than ever before: I am your child on Earth as I am in Heaven.



Postcard #5: Bless Me

In the words of the wise, “If mountains were smooth, son you could not climb them”. ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’ for me to quit climbing. I can reflect on the consonance and dissonance of my Friday night documentary: “20 Feet from Stardom”. This recent oscar-winning feature took me through a push and pull that was so raw, revealing, and right for me to say, “Everyone should see this movie”.

This upcoming Monday, I will call three agencies that weren’t on my radar when I left for NY- approaching six weeks into my journey I find myself straddling in shoes either too big or too small- I walk wearing socks, I’m not used to it- my feet hurt and I feel like giving up; I sit when blistered with rejection and continue walking when setting my mind on the One who walks with me. My feet are hardening and calloused, yet my heart is free to lay everything at His feet.

I have never felt so dependent and letdown in one season as I do now- it’s as if I’m on an island waiting for that plane to breach the sky, but each day’s sun and each night’s moon arrive too soon; my resources are dwindling while my reflections are drumming.

As Christians, we shouldn’t bottle our anger, sorrow or fears but as they reach our shore, they should be pushed back into the sea- When Jesus ‘walks’ on water, He wants the entirety of us in that water with Him- so I give Him my doubts and failures, but I also give Him my faith and obedience; I may be walking, swimming, and drowning in that water – does He applaud each phase? Yes! Ultimately, he pulls me out of deep waters and tells me to have faith and try again. Each time, I’m yearning after Him a little more than before when suddenly my eyes lose focus on Him and I crop my attention to my heavy and hardened feet- I drown only to be picked up once again.

Some people start as backup singers, and make it as solo artists like Luther Vandross. So the cream of the crop are for the few while others are ’20 feet from stardom’. The difference between the Lisa Fischer’s and the Aretha Franklin’s in life are subjectively minimal, but the question for both are, “Is the focus still on music?” And to the grown actor, “Is the focus still on acting?” But as an aspiring model, there is no clean parallel to ask the same question; I would be lying if I can ever think the focus will be on modeling- it isn’t that kind of art form because it isn’t the model without the fashion or else it’d just be a naked body covered in fig leaves. But then again, there wouldn’t be the fashion without the Adam or the Eve.

I guess it just culturally sounds damp to hear a model say they love modeling or perhaps it’s the inability to fully relate- where is the humanness in modeling? Singers and Actors inspire the human soul abundantly whereas I stumble to answer my own qualms as I play dress-up and take pictures.

I’d be lying if I truly believed this industry couldn’t die to itself and resurrect into His image- if I believed it, I would’ve never left LA or as I am now I would’ve booked my one-way back before writing this post. But I hear a gentle voice- He assures me growth; He honors that I wrestle with Him as if what has been is not the scope to all that lay ahead of me tomorrow. You see, this is my vantage point: a seed cozied underneath knowing that His Almighty Hands have planted me in NY – Lord, bless me.

the seed