Wow, two months and change since I last wrote; and to recap the flow of these past months, I’ll capture the words of an anti-religious proponent, Sam Harris, “The past is only the thought of the present”. October and November have been the warmth of love, joy and opportunities, but the flip side of the pillow has been the cold and irking struggles of vision and the reality of failure.
Modeling isn’t financially lucrative to one who works once or twice a month – let me rephrase that- I have not done a fragrance ad- my checklist reads that July through September were my toughest months; those three months totaled at $4000; October picked up at $3800 and November doubled at $7600. So including the average pay of June, now you have the six months of my paychecks- most of which have not come to me, but it’s a receivable. All of this which leads me to say, “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DECEMBER WILL LOOK LIKE”.
So, my finances are pretty revealing – what is my aim? I want to buy a decent used car; my mom and I share a beat up 2003 Dodge Intrepid. It recently went through a smog check- we didn’t know if it would make it. Just bring us safely to the New Year, please!
Late November, I became Ellie Goulding’s friend on the set of her new music video. **While I can’t describe more about this project, the coolest coincidence came at the casting when the director noticed me from the Phoenix Entertainment video. Her husband is Deck D’ Arcy from the band! She’s such a gem too, and what’s more is that on the day of the shoot she was wearing the baddest Levi’s jacket ever- one customized for Phoenix. Drool**
Then comes Thanksgiving; the only creative impulse I had to actually make Thanksgiving an American replica for my family was to eat turkey. How did I go about this? I snuck my mom into the car and took her to her least favorite place, Andre’s. Andre’s doesn’t sound American right? Well, it’s because it’s an Italian restaurant and, yes, they were having a Thanksgiving meal special for $13.50. Hey, she’s only tried the Italian food – she missed out. Whole Foods is only a store away – at home I saw a bag of organic cranberries; I didn’t check the receipt because it probably would’ve read, “$13.50”.
While this season is the reminder to be grateful for everything, I remain at regret if I don’t pursue New York for the New Year. But I also know that there’s no regret if I can’t stop lusting at the fantasies of “what can be” instead of “what is”. I’ve also had the indecency of looking at beautiful women in the wrong way – I’ve overdosed on this drug in the past, but this past has not been merely just a thought in the present; it’s been the irresponsibility to take my profession and use it to mold my current perception of true beauty- it’s this mirror of flesh and society that needs to be cracked and swept away, but sometimes I find myself picking up these pieces, and with bloodied fingers gluing the strongholds and lies of image in my life. I need to advocate truth and it starts with the seeds in my heart. Lord, would I bear fruit.