Child

“New Revelation”, “Give him a fresh anointing of new revelation”, said Pastor Sam as I stood in his grasp and stood at the mercy of the Cross. Hence, here’s the revelation that I received tonight; it’s more than food for thought – it’s a means to pierce more light into my complicated heart.

A child has a child-like heart because he or she is not able to comprehend any vastness of problems that older generation people carry as baggage. 

I am undocumented, my family’s reported annual income is roughly $20,000, and my parents live separately. Or at least I’ve told my friends that “my dad lives closer to work”.

After fellowship, I come home and gradually anger and impatience brews and spills from each one of us; I literally stand as a bumper between my mom and dad; they aren’t going to violate each other within 12 feet. They use my defense as a leverage to yell and sulk from different rooms. My mom’s heart break tonight culminated in something that she has never done and something I have never known.

She emphatically hands me divorce papers (at which this point I have a clearer view to the document than using a PDF’s zoom-in function). However, the papers are in Korean. “This is my lucky break”, I thought to myself. “She might just be using this as a gimmick to illustrate that she is frustrated. I let this thought pour into my fifteen minute nap moments later.

As my dad and I finish our yogurt parfaits at McDonalds, I repeat my thought (he’s probably stunned from the first question).

“Mom showed me divorce papers”.

“Yeah, that. When your mom and I first came from Korea (20 years back), we filed for divorce. But we figured that we needed green cards, so we went back to the consulate to get remarried. So as of now, we’re legally separated in Korea, but technically are seen as one by this state.”

I tried scraping any last figment of yogurt out of the cup; as my heart broke, I wanted to be a child. At that moment, I wanted to let go of the last 20 years and re-authenticate my heart to the size and innocence that I held within my three feet body.

Here I am at home where for the last two hours I’ve tried re-establishing the child in me when I look at my mom- that when I speak to her, its in my very tone, expressions, and actions that can build Heaven over our relationship.

Lord,

My heart is frail, but let it be so frail that I become the child that knows nothing circumstantial, but knows everything eternal- that in the midst of a hell-wrecked family, I would become the child that enters a crevice of the Holy Huddle- that Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit have drawn up the perfect play- for me to love like a child once again.

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One thought on “Child

  1. This subject is also something that I have gone through but never had the courage to open myself up like you have. I am very challenged by you, and I admire your vulnerability. May God bless you for your steadfastness, and I hope that healing would come quickly. Your blog is an encouragement. Thanks.

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