Addicted? Who’s fault is it?

What have been my addictions?

For the moment being, lust is my best example. Here’s the background:

I’ve grown up splurging anger and justifying cruel rebellion against my mom because I felt it was appropriate. I struck the gavel on a continual basis, and said, “Mom, you’re wrong! #(*$#*$*(#$()()#)@# THIS $#()@$(@))@)) EFF (#)@()#%)$)) THAT”. According to my flesh, I thought it was natural to process my dad’s reasons as to why he would flare and compare them to my mom’s often response of “Stop talking; spit is getting everywhere”.

Transitioning from elementary school to middle school, I grew up to be so obscure and patronizing. Like my mom said, “Other kids don’t do that to their moms”. She was probably right, but again my temperature crept up. I would respond, “Other moms don’t do that to their family”.

To fill the void in my heart, I turned to girls to fill the woman role in my life. As I approached the second decade of my life, nothing changed. If anything, I was upset that I did not have a long term relationship before. Hence, in April 2010 it took a whiplash and splash of subzero water on my face to realize that I had an addiction.

I WAS ADDICTED TO GIRLS.

But wait a minute, don’t I have a valid reason as to why I turned to girls?

Here’s the revelation: Addictive people ADD others into their problems. When I examine more closely, I have not fully been owning up to my addiction. I’ve added my mom into the picture. Why is my mom not cropped out? Jesus, I need your grace even more than before. Lord, no matter how well I can write a synopsis to cover up the actual quality of my life, I know one thing- that I am truly sinful and the utmost, undeserving, selfish playboy- meaning I just utterly suck.

Lord,

I need to start revealing my addictions without adding others into my problem. It is I, ME, SEJIN, that freely chose to be in bondage of such sin and death. Even with knowledge that there was a bigger and greater kingdom, I had chosen the kingdom that took me by the neck and suffocated God’s breath from my life. I had licked the wounds and sores for the devil. Jesus, since April 2010, I have been in a cleansing process; I know you’re working in me, and I know it’ll take more time, but Lord I feel such rejoicing. You truly can make all things new again. As an addicted person, I have added you as the Lord of my life and keeper of my soul.

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8 thoughts on “Addicted? Who’s fault is it?

  1. Very cool. I’ve considered studying law, but I think God wants me to go pre-med hah. Where would you like to go to law school? And who do you know at UCSD?

  2. Yep, Christine Ko is right. My networks are UCSD and Green Valley High School. Hm, maybe it’s easier for me to find you? hah

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